


Still Here

by Tarlan



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s05e06 The Shrine, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21834289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarlan/pseuds/Tarlan
Summary: Rodney's scared and John is his one constant.
Relationships: Rodney McKay/John Sheppard
Comments: 21
Kudos: 173
Collections: Fics I Don't Want To Lose, Stargate Atlantis Secret Santa 2019





	Still Here

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KagekaNecavi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KagekaNecavi/gifts).



> **KagekaNecavi** \- I hope you enjoy this story. Happy Holidays!

"JOHN! JOHN!"

Rodney raced along the corridors by instinct alone, hoping his feet would carry him along the no longer familiar corridors to John's room. He found it, he hoped, and banged on the door.

"JOHN! JOHN!"

The door opened and Rodney rushed inside, straight into John's hands, feeling the strong fingers clench tightly around his biceps while Rodney caught hold of his friend. Rodney babbled. He knew he was babbling but he had awoken alone in his room in a darkness pierced only by the glow of one of the moons through the window. He had awoken with more of his memories gone, slipping away faster with each passing hour, and he was terrified.

John was here though, a reassuring presence. Rodney wanted to simply wrap his arms around John and never let go, more scared of losing John and his memories of John than of anything else. It should have been a scary thought in itself because he had spent all of his life relying on his intellect and yet he would trade it all right now just to keep his memories of John. 

"I'm slipping away!"

"You're still here... And I'm not going anywhere."

As his fear abated Rodney slumped, relying on John's hands to keep him upright. He still had more than enough of his mind left to feel a little foolish but he accepted John's warm jacket over his thin t-shirt so they could venture outside.

Rodney recognized this place on the pier. John came here sometimes to sit and think about the events of a bad day, perhaps not drinking away the terrible memories completely but at least dulling the pain and anguish but Rodney couldn't recall if he joined John or whether he simply watched him from afar, unsure of what he could say to help ease John's pain. He sank down next to John this time and accepted the beer handed to him, taking a sip. Honestly, he couldn't recall liking American beer that much no matter what John said. He had always thought of himself as more of a wine or vodka drinker but for all Rodney knew it was just another memory that had slipped away along with so many others, just like the name of his niece.

The beer felt and tasted good and he accepted a second, wondering if he was allowed to drink alcohol.

"Madison," John replied after initially telling him her name was Betty.

The moon was still shining and behind them the entire city was lit up like a Christmas Tree, which was a waste of power but Rodney had yet to figure out how to switch off some of the uninhabited towers that still had functioning power conduits. At least he thought that was the case because... yes... it did seem like a gross waste of power. Unless they had found another ZPM off-world and he had forgotten. The thought made his heart clench in his chest and he took another shaky sip of the beer.

Rodney guessed this was as good a place as any to talk about the fears crowding his head. Jennifer had told him he was deteriorating rapidly and in a week or so he would no longer remember his own name so it seemed important to speak to John now, to say goodbye while he still remembered both of their names.

"No. You're stuck with me, Rodney. That's final," John insisted and Rodney should have known John would not allow any defeatist talk, unwilling to accept what seemed inevitable to Rodney.

Tiredness was creeping around the edges, making his thoughts even foggier but Rodney was loathe to say Goodnight and return to his quarters even though John promised to stay with him this time. He was scared of going to sleep and waking up with more of his memories gone forever. He was afraid of forgetting John more than he was scared of losing himself to the parasite infecting his brain.

John whispered. "Maybe if she had caught it while it was small."

Rodney wasn't sure how to respond to that because he liked Jennifer, and maybe she hadn't known him long enough to realize he had been acting out of character. John would have known though, he thought. John knew him better than most people.

Eventually they went back inside and though he feared sleeping, he lay down in his bed and closed his eyes, aware of John sitting close enough to feel the heat from his body. Comforting.

When he awoke John was asleep in the chair by his bed and Rodney took advantage of the moment to take in the handsome face and lean frame. It took longer than it should for Rodney to recall why John was in his room sleeping on a chair beside his bed but then the memory of the parasite in his head came crashing down. Another fear crept into his mind. What if he lost all his dignity and inhibitions and told John how he truly felt about him, how he had dreamed of them being together as more than just friends? What if he drove John away long before his memories were lost?

John's eyes blinked open blearily at that moment and Rodney watched as he stretched, arms above his head, his t-shirt riding up to reveal a slither of skin dusted with fine dark hair around his midriff.

"John?"

"Hey, Rodney," John replied softly. "See, you haven't forgotten my name yet."

"I love you," Rodney blurted out, eyes widening in horror at the words he had hoped to hide.

"I love you too, buddy." John stood up. "Let's go see what they have for breakfast."

Two days later Rodney cowered away from the sound of raised voices as John and Jennifer argued over allowing Rodney to sleep in his own room. Jennifer won and Rodney felt scared as he was put into the bright room. Later there were other words too, from Ronon Dex, the big man who sang to him quietly in the night, and from John. They wanted to take him someplace where he would be himself again but Jennifer said no.

"You're upsetting him," she said, and ordered them all away.

"John! John!" he called out, pushing at the pretty lady who was trying to make him lie down in the bright room. John looked back in anguish before leaving, and Rodney cried out louder, shoving at the lady so hard he heard her fall but didn't care because John was leaving.

Other people in white rushed up and held him down, a prick of pain, and some of the anxiety slid away. Rodney turned his head aside as Jennifer tried to dab away his tears.

Another pretty lady, so familiar. He knew her face. J... J... Jeannie.

"My sister," Rodney smiled at her warm look and gentle touch.

He was so sorry for being mean to her. She argued with the other pretty lady who looked after him. He liked the other pretty lady but she kept sending John away, and he needed John. Jeannie wanted to take him somewhere special with John and the big, kind man with lots of hair. Behind her he could see John so all was good, all was safe. As long as John was there then it was good. They took him to a small dark room and John barely looked at him as he walked past. Jeannie held his hand and talked to him softly. He liked her touch and her scent. She reminded him of... something nice but not like John. John was his world. John was home.

Time held little meaning until his world seemed to explode inside his brain and he remembered everything; every moment of his mind slipping away, every time he told John he loved him and gained the same in return. He remembered Jeannie. He remembered the horror of losing all his memories, of desperately holding onto that one last vital memory of John saying he loved him, and he felt sick to the core but John didn't look at him in disgust. Instead he saw... And why had he never noticed it before? 

He might have been annoyed when he first became aware but Rodney felt humbled now when he realized the risk they had taken to give him this chance to say goodbye. A Wraith infested world. He realized he had John to thank for insisting they bring Jeannie to Atlantis as quickly as possible, and to Ronon for convincing her about the Shrine of Talos, remembered from his childhood. Jeannie was every bit as determined as him, and as his next of kin she had the power to make decisions on his behalf, going against medical advice much to Jennifer's dismay. It was Jeannie who convinced Woolsey to allow John to take him to Ronon's Shrine, and it was John who convinced Jennifer to perform the operation with barely adequate tools.

And why hadn't she brought a field kit with her? Carson would never leave Atlantis without one.

Of course only John could be gleeful about drilling a hole into Rodney's head with a power drill from the Jumper's repair kit, but it worked. The parasite crawled out to escape the super heavy element radiation given off in the Ancient laboratory, leaving his memories intact. All of them.

Back in Atlantis Rodney could hear Jennifer and Jeannie talking above his bed. He was glad Jeannie was here and he was grateful to Jennifer for performing the operation that removed the parasite but he wanted to see John. Before the parasite Rodney thought he was falling in love with Jennifer, and he truly did love her after a fashion, but the most enduring love had been for John. The one person he never forgot even for a moment. The man who had promised to be right there beside him through this terrible ordeal, and who had kept that promise.

He wanted John, and from that single look inside the Shrine he knew John wanted him but was too repressed or afraid to say anything. He knew he would have to wait until he was back on his feet with a clean bill of health before he spoke to John but now the decision was made Rodney lay back and smiled. Jeannie leaned over, smiling too but he could see the curiosity glinting in her keen blue eyes, wondering if his eyes held the same glint on occasion.

"Is it Jennifer?" she frowned. "No. You like Jennifer but there's someone you like even more. Someone you never forgot."

He murmured softly, knowing his voice would carry only as far as Jeannie.

"John."

It took another week before Rodney could 'persuade' John to meet him on the pier. He sat down next to John with his legs kicking over the edge of the pier and offered a beer, listening as the tab was pulled and waiting for John to take a few mouthfuls before he spoke.

"I remember you bringing me out here when I was scared."

"Yeah?"

"This time I want you to listen to me."

"Sure."

The response seemed light but Rodney could sense a little tension in the man seated next to him. John seemed laid-back but Rodney could see behind the front paraded for the rest of the world, and he realized he had always been able to see through it to the vulnerable man beneath.

"When I was..." He paused trying to think of the right word.

"Stupid?"

"I was never stupid. I was simply unable to access my brilliance due to the parasite..." Rodney huffed in annoyance when he caught the smirk on John's face. 

Other than Jeannie, John was the only person who could rile him with a single word or look. It was immensely annoying and yet it was the clue that should hit him like a brick, that John was the one person in this universe who truly understood and accepted him no matter if he was brilliant... or stupid.

"Why wouldn't you let me say goodbye?" Rodney asked.

"Friends never say goodbye."

"Are you quoting _El Dorado_ lyrics to me?"

"Maybe," John replied cagily, "But that doesn't mean it's not the truth."

"Friends never say goodbye." Rodney felt the smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "And I'm stuck with you."

"Yeah," John exclaimed forcefully, and then his voice softened. "You're stuck with me."

"Which means YOU are stuck with me," Rodney replied smugly.

"Okay."

"What if I believe we can be more than friends?" Rodney caught the tell-tale lick of lips that showed John's nervousness. "What if I want more than friendship?"

"Okay," he replied quietly but with conviction.

"Oh for..." Rodney planted a kiss on John's lips, tasting the slightest tang of the beer John had sipped just moments earlier.

He drew back to check John's reaction, seeing surprise but definitely no disgust. As the surprise faded it was replaced with first awe, then happiness, and then consternation.

"Jennifer?"

"What? No. I mean, she's nice and... but no. I haven't...eh... haven't chased you-"

"Rodney." John was smiling again. "I'm still here."

END  



End file.
